'Bi Polar Marriage/Divorce'

Bi Polar Marriage/Divorce

Mark Bronder (216.170.10.130) -

Today is my wedding anniversary--14 years. My wife was diagnonsed three years ago with cyclothymia and clinical depression. She is taking Effexor, Topomax, Trileptal, and Klonopin. She was seeing the psychiatrist about quarterly for an hour to get med prescriptions refilled.

About three weeks ago we did a family intervention. The result is she agreed to see another psychiatrist for a second opinion on the meds. This practice believes in meds plus counseling/talk therapy which would be a huge step--if she will agree. We are also trying to get her to the Mayo Health Clinic for a full medical and psych evaluation.

In the interim, she is bound and determined to get a divorce. I suspect papers to be served in the next week or two. We have two children and I hate the thought of breaking up our family. She is in the denial/bargaining phase witht the illness.

For the time being, I am simply trying to be her friend and am seeing a psychologist once a week to help me deal with the situation. While I know there are not any magic answers, any help or feedback would be appreciated.

Comment #1 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Mark,

It sounds to me like you are trying to take all the right steps with your wife and her illness. As you already know by now, a patient with cyclothymia and major depression have major mood swings. Most of the symptoms from both of these illnesses can be controlled by proper medication. However, the patient also needs psychotherapy or counseling in addition to the medication. The medication often masks the symptoms but does not teach the patient how to handle their fluctuating emotions.

When she is in her cyclothymic stage she may me somewhat manic, easily angered, blaming others for their problems, etc. This is a part of the illness. Your ideas of getting her into treatment and the Mayo Clinic are excellent. Also, second opinions are often helpful in many ways.

Continue to support her with your love and as much understanding as you can develop while she learns to come to grips with her illness. From the way you wrote your post, you obiously have some knowledge of psychology and you seeing a psychologist for yourself ahould be very helpful.

Regarding your marriage...it depends on several factors. If she is insisting on a divorce there may be little you can do to stop her from filing. People with her illness, who take their medications as prescribed and attend therapy regularly can lead normal, functional lives, contributing to their mate, family, friends and community.

Most Bi-Polar patients are highly intelligent but many tend to quit taking thier medications when they start to feel better, causing them to regress. In other words, if you can wait out the cyclothymic phase, she may change her mind about the divorce.

However, another question you should ask yourself is, "What is her illness doing to you and your children?" Be sure to include your children in your treatment program if her symptoms are extreme enough to cause the children confusion and insecurity.

Good luck with the treatment process.

Warmest Regards,

Dr. Doug

Comment #2 Mark (216.170.10.130) -

Doug:

I am seeing problems with my 9 year old daughter. It appears to me that she is not getting the personal attention/nurturing that she needs from her mother. The net result is that I believe my daughter is angry, hurt, and disrespectful towards her mother because of this lack of attention. I have thought that counseling for my daughter is appropriate but I am unsure at this time whether this should be pursued as part of a divorce proceeding or whether I should just do it on my own.

Comment #3 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hello Mark,

Welcome to my site. Your post tells me many things but leaves some questions unanswered. First, you are obviously considering divorce from your spouse. No matter how nice parents try to act in front of their kids, the kids know when you are fighting and this causes them to feel insecure and unsafe.

Your daughter has simply become the "identified patient" that is showing the symptoms steming from a family problem. Don't cause the child to feel more blame or guilt for your marriage problems by sending her to a therapist. Children almost always assume part or all of the blame in divorce cases and are almost always trying to fix thier parents problems.

What I suggest is that you find a good family therapist and the entire family work together to resolve what is obviously a family problem. Your daughter may be blaming her mother for the problems in your marriage. This would be true, especially if she has always been a "daddy's girl."

I suggest that the sooner you and your family begin working with a good therapist the faster and easier it will be for you to resolve your problems. Your local mental health center or family physician should be able to refer you to an appropriate mental health professional, such as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Thanks for writing and good luck. Please let me know how things work out for you and your family.

Warmest Regards,

Dr. Doug

Comment #4 Joanna (69.159.50.146) -

Hello,

I am reading your story and feel for what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, and am having a difficult time trying to cope with the changing moods of my husband and the rest of the bipolar picture. There are days when I'm sure your emotions fluctuate and you feel caught up in a roller coaster - yours sounds like its unfortunately heading in a direction that is very difficult for a family. Please think for your children who are part of the equation - this is what keeps me going and of course, my own ability to reflect and recognize I am not at fault and need to respect the individual I am. Unfortunately, one never knows what live has to hold and we each have our challenges to encounter - some of course worse than others... keep your strength and love your children - I'm sure these two things will see you through this difficult time.

Comment #5 Martin Fightmaster (66.42.151.158) -

Hello:

My name is Martin Fightmaster and I am bipolar. Though I have tried a number of different medications since I was diagnosed (5 years ago) none have been able to stop what my Pdoc likes to call "rapid cycling."

Though I never physically hurt anyone my lengthy manic states (awake for 3-4 days at a time) and my mood swings have worn thin with wife, daughter, and son. Two weeks ago I was hospitalized (after being informed that the family was going take future vacations without me).

Unfortunately, as my bipolar illness has progressed I have become increasingly less functional professionally (in the various states of my bipolar illness I operate under the assumption that what I am is doing is right, honorable, and logical). I also have become a financial burden as my cycles have increased in length and intensity. For example, I went from a salaried IP Marketing Director five years ago to a itinerent landscaper and manual laborer today - and I would be lying if I said that in my current disoriented state I was doing even those menial jobs well. In short, I am low functioning embarassment to both myself and my family.

In response, one of the choices my wife made with regard to my illness was to break off physical relations with me (five years ago) while further informing me that even if I should recover that the physical part of our relationship would not resume. Also, my wife has suggested that I move from our family residence and use one of the rental properties we own as my primary residence. She stated that I would live there when I was in my manic states but would be welcome to visit the family home as long as my mental state was clear.

Though I am bipolar and acknowledge that I am ill I still need/desire a companion who wants to be with me - and my wife is not moving from her earlier non-physical, managed interaction position. Indeed, she has diligently requesting that I sign a "post-nup" agreement in order to have access to my children in the future. She has also threatened to have me hospitalized in the event that I seek a divorce.

If our relationship was cordial I might consider this option but it unfortunately is not. Though I work on the rental properties and perform the majority of the house related work I have no acccess to a credit card, cash, or anything else that might offer me some means of independance. I cannot even buy a gift for her or my children on the holidays and my input is not solicited regarding the gifts she buys for herself and the children. It is all very humiliating.

I am concerned that if I use a mediator instead of a lawyer my wife will influence the outcome by saying that I contribute very little and therefore deserve very little of what we have accumulated over our 15 year marriage (which is not true). I am also afraid that since I have been told how worthless I am as a husband and father for so long that I might even agree with her - I am at my core ashamed of my illness and the resultant effect it has had on me.

I do not want to hurt my family but feel that my bipolar illness is being used in such a way (verbal abuse, mockery) that I am not my own best advocate any longer(my self confidence is shot). I also feel (with supporting input from my Pdoc) that the current unhealthy state of our marriage could very well be exacerbating my bipolar condition.

Can you offer any hope and/or suggestions? My wife has rejected the idea of family counseling and believes our problems (and my liability) lie squarely at the feet of my bipolar illness. I only know that I can not live under the conditions she offers.

Fondest regards,

Martin Fightmaster

Comment #6 Jon (75.86.130.193) -

I have been in a relationship/marriage for the last 3 1/2 years and my wife has bi-polar disorder. She continually does things that are very extreme and add a lot of stress to our lives. My question is that at times she is a good wife but for the most part she is selfish and mean. I have told her a number of times I would like a divorce but she threatens suicide. Do I get a divorce or do I stick it out. I guess I am at a point of less sympathy and more self preservation.

Comment #7 DARRYL MCDONALD (72.152.10.213) -

My wife is bipolar. I am being worn down physically. We have been married for 7 years. I have tried to hang in there for my 6 year old daughter. Trying to give her something that neither my wife or I had, a so-called nuclear family, both Mom and Dad. But I am unable to beat this physical battle, and feel I am being consumed. At this pace I would be surprised to be hear at age 50. I am 42 now. So I have to let go. I am looking at alternative solutions. My daughter needs my oversight. My wife is not as attentive, nor sensitive to my daughter needs as she would allude. In fact she is all about her. It's amazing how selfishness can be a neurological ailment. But in leaving, what I can't take is the sudden surprises, not able to depend on her word, planning not working out or being followed through. This causes tension. Which results in migranes, high blood pressure, fatigue. The lack of sleep, the mood swings, the personal attacks, losing things, keeping track of everything is relentless. Something always happens. No peace. I was raised in a quiet environment around professional people. The world I am in is foreign to me. I have to return to my base to survive. Unfortunately, I may need my space which would leave my daughter in a vulnerable position. She would be the one getting screamed at, accused of things, have to be maid and nurse to her mom. Ironically, it seems my wife can turn it on or off. Or yet, she knows who she can mess with and who not (authority figures). Her job is not aware of these things, and her family is in denial. But for me, I have to get out. The physical wearing down was the break in the dam. I encourage others to try their best. But many of you want to know "When to say when?" I no longer fear the alternatives, because I know I can not live like this. Darryl

Comment #8 David from West Plains Mo. -

My wife has also filed for divorce and has manic-depression.I did not no this till after she had left and went to her Moms and had filed for divorce.

We have only been married for a short while and I do love her very much and would do anything to help her.

She seen a state psychologist before we were married because she didn't have the money or insurance to get help but unfortunetly his report did not come back till four months later and we had already got married.I'm self employed and don't have insurance or funds either.

She would never tell me what she had been diagnosed with.

She has been staying with her mom some and she found the report and told me what was in it. It didn't sound good; manic-depression and suicidal.

It stems back to her previous marriage according to the report where there were drugs(Meth), sexual deveience, and cheating.

She had told me about thease things before we were married and said she would never go back to that kind of life.She had done this divorce in 2001. She had went back a couple of times in which the last time she was sent to a stress ward at our local hospital because she had become suicidal then.

I advised her I was not like and would never ask her to do any of those things.We had both become christians and was invloved in our church.

The problem is she has a daughter who is married with 2 children and wants her to go back to her dad. She also lives right behind her dad.

My wife had avoided going there for sometime but her daughter finally got her back out there and that is where our problem begin.Within 2 weeks I started seeing a change in her and did not no how to handle it.

We had never had an arguement before or after we got married until the day she left.She found a reason to start one and keep on till I become upset and she went to the bedroom started packing her things and left.

She waited a month before she filed for the divorce and told her mom she wasn't for sure what she was going to do.She went to Kansas for a week because she said she needed the time to think.That is when the divorce came.Me and her Mom both knew then her real reason.She didn't want to face either of us.

I love her very much and would do anything to help her but I feel like now I have hit a dead end. I'm going to request marriage counseling of the courts before I just let go.

Comment #9 Jon from AZ -

giving your heart to someone is one of the most difficult things in life; the ONLY thing you can do is let go.

I love my bipolar wife with all my heart and think of us reuniting; reality says its impossible.

In this case, use your head and not your heart.

Easier said than done but you must.

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