'Bipolar Prayers Needed'

Bipolar Prayers Needed

Guam (202.128.8.165) -

Wow! It really hurts to read all the messages on bipolar, but it also gives me some comfort knowing that I am not the only one going through this. The stories sound so familar, I would not wish bipolar on anyone.

I moved to Guam in 1996, met the love of my life 1997. It was so nice when I was the love of his life. He seemed so perfect, a nice boy, never had alot of girlfriends, never brought anyone home to meet his family, he was really into sports (football & bodybuilding), had a great body, was very kind and caring, always giving advice and would be the first one there to give a hand or an ear for a friend in need. He always said he could live on a nickle, he liked the simple things in life (he would say all I need it gas & smokes). He would say he liked life simple but yet he would come up with these big dreams, ideas and they really made sense.

If you asked anyone to explain him they would say "everyone loves him, and everyone hates him" he is like a "muse" if he is on your side everything in life is focused on you, if you are not the focus in his life it's like your dead to him. He can never forgive or forget if you cross him. He will compile a list of things over time that he doesn't like about you. This is with everyone, first your number one then when you don't live up to what he thinks your gone. He has high expectations for everyone but himself.

I didn't see the signs I just thought he was having alot of bad luck with job/s, he would tell me know one understands his way of thinking, then I would hear hours upon hours of how hard it was to be him growing up, how he never got the same chances that everyone else did, I thought that he must have had a hard life growing up. Of course, me loving him wanted to support him and be the one to give him a chance to live his dreams. He has a degree in criminal justice,but didn't work in criminal justice. He actually either didn't work for a year at a time, then he would get a job that would last for a bit. He talked me into investing in: $30,000 children's clothing store which I worked for a yr. and he never even stepped in the store, then $20,000 over seas investment that he had to do with his brother, then he did finally get a job,we got married Nov. 2003 but the job didn't last , he lost it due to two things, one he started an affair with a girl he was personal training at the gym, she was married and taking effexor (anti-depressant), he was in love from June -Nov. he had been focused on training her for a bodybuilding show, and counseling her on her divorce, he never signed our divorce papers and never moved his stuff out of our house. He just said I'm in love and left. Well, when he wouldn't sign the divorce papers fast enough, this girl decided to move on. He moved back home, then immediately he got really sick. Lost all kinds of weight and wanted to commit suicide. He wouldn't move off the couch, I told him to see a doctor at the hospital. They did blood work and diagnosed him with polycrythemia (a form of lukimia & thick blood disorder) we were going to the cancer center for at least 6 mths. drawing blood. We also went to go see a counselor/phycologist. She said she thought he had depression due to the fact of the affair, blood disorder and the fact that he talked her into putting him on effexor (because he thought since his girlfriend was on it he should be too), the doctor did and he didn't sleep for 1 week straight, he was sweating, shaking. She took him off that and put him on Lythium but then he became a zombie, he was not showering, just laid there on the couch. I still had to work 8-5 to pay the medical bills and pills and would take my lunch breaks to take him to his doctor's. I was so tired. I just wanted him to get better but he just got worse it seemed. He even got scared to leave the house. I stopped babying him and he finally got up and made himself go to the gym. I had to use the hard love approach, because the more I would do for him the less better he got. He slowly, started to come back to the gym. I told him I would get him a new truck $17,000 down and that would leave him with only $4,000 left and a small payment of $187 mth. that would be his only responsibility, even that I had coming out of the checking automatically, so he really didn't have to do anything, but I wanted him to have some self worth. He also came up with this idea to run his own business, a fitness program, costing $10,000 for the license, then a computer, supplements and business license all came to about $15,000. I helped him by making a brochure, flyers and I even helped him with his first two clients. Some mornings he just couldn't make it so I would show up, and then go to my 8-5 job. Soon he began training/giving advice to several of the girls in the gym. He got a paying client $599 a mth. who's boyfriend had just broken up with her and she wanted to do a makeover including getting her breasts inlarged this summer. Then he got a couple of other clients. He was offered a job for $40,000 and right before he was hired he started acting weird. He wasn't sleeping, getting acid indigestion, looking depressed, he hurt his knee working out. Things were going well but not so well. He started staying out until 3 a.m. sleeping on the couch until 4 a.m. then going to the gym. I asked him what was going on, he said he just needed to check old friends and get moving because he thought he was going to go into a depression again and he said he felt like he was going to die if he stayed still. I am always supporttive and not the jealous type. So I said just let me know your safe, I told him I was there for him if he needed to talk. He said he just wants to put gas in his car, visit friends, and buy his cigarettes. Well after a week of that he started to not come home at all. I asked him again what's going on, where are you staying. He said at friends and in his truck. I asked he what in heavens for when you have a home to come to. Why suffer like that. Then of course I started to think and asked is there someone else, he said no. This was all the end of May. One day he tells me he wants a divorce and didn't know how to tell me, he said I deserve more and that he would never find another me again but that things just weren't clicking. We have been together for 10 yrs. now and married 2 yrs. The first year anniversary he was out of the house having his affair, the second yr anniversary he was suffering depression. Well, it's June again and he's been gone for a week, stopping by the house here and there. I asked him one more time, is there someone else, I'm worried and feel guilty that I asking him if there's someone else when he might just need help and is depressed. He again said no, I just want a divorce. So I filed, since I would never want someone to die staying with me. I thought maybe he just fell out of love,maybe he needs to just find himself and of course maybe he is with someone else and just won't say. Anyhow, a friend calls me and said guess what, her brother was riding his motorcycle and saw him with a girl at the beach. I asked him and he said yes, it's the girl he is training. She just asked him if he needed someone to talk to and she'd be off all summer if he wanted to hang out. He said he was out of the house and so it would be o.k. At this time I am upset,saddened that he had lied again. I told him to meet me at 11 to sign the divorce papers and he needed to find a place to move his stuff or get an apt. I would divide everything in the account in half. He never showed. He was gone for another 2 weeks, missing work, missed his new job, only went with the clothes on his back. I thought is he not showering, he's acting like a 12 yr. old. I also thought what does this girl think is going on. I saw them driving one day, and many people have seen him at breakfast with her. On friday I decided I was going to leave him with 1,000 in the checking (yes I still had to pay his truck payment due, his renewal of business liscense) he just dropped everything. My car even broke down and he didn't even care to check on me. I had to fix it and rent a car. I was feeling sad and the same time angry and worried about him in two ways 1) jealous and 2) worried what was going on with him. I told myself at least someone is taking care of him, so I should just worry about me. Today I stopped by the gym it's been almost 4 weeks now since he's been gone in the same clothes, and I saw him smoking out side the gym. I asked if he was o.k. gave him the name and number of his doctor and said just call her to let her know your o.k. I asked him to please go sign the papers and move his things out. He was unshaven, and said he would have a studio soon, it's being renovated. I told him to please take care of himself, I would always love him and be his friend, but that he needed to take care of him, his job. I had changed the locks but then I felt bad that if he needed to change or get his things out he should be able to, so I gave him a key to access the house. He takes fat burners to help stimulate him into getting up and going.

This is a cycle that never ends. It just hurts so much, because when he is normal he is so wonderful, loving, caring, kind and funny. But when these manic or depression times happen it hits you like a wall of bricks. Nothing really happens to bring it on, maybe some worrying issues. One day things are great the next the person is untouchable. I even have to check myself, because in one way I have to be a control freak about out money, because I have to be able to take care of the bills and medical bills to come, but then I also don't want to control anyone. He needs his freedom it that's what he wants. It's just hard to see him spending money that I work for on someone else. I can't leave him alot at a time in the account because he has might do something stupid like pay for this girls breast enlargements (which he already mentioned) he feels sorry for her paying him to train her and then she has to save to get her breasts done. I just don't want to be the one paying for it. He can use the money she pays him to train her but not my hard earned money. I have been working two jobs for years now. I'm 40 with no kids (since he was never ready), no debt. It's hard to love someone with bipolar disorder. I love him, but he hurts me so much and doesn't see it.

I see him hurting, he looks so tired, running, running and going no where. When you love someone you want to help them, love them, protect them. I don't beleive in divorce so I stuck it out (vows richer/poorer, sickness and health, til death do us part). Even though I think its best we do get the divorce (since he wants it) I'm also afraid that when he comes down from the manic we will be divorced and he won't be on our insurance anymore for me to help him. I don't want a divorce, but I have to honor what he asks.

I guess the best way is to let him learn on his own and be there as a friend to help in what ever way I can. I just can't be emotionally attached anymore, it hurts to much. My friend told me I am actually using him, she said it's like I am taking advantage of him when he is depressed to have him be with me. That's how I came to decide to let him go, I would never want to do that to someone.

Thanks for listening. Please pray for us. I go to church several times a week to pray. I have the doctor's support, she said I'm like an angel that my husband is lucky to have. I waited until I was 40 to ever get married, I don't want to love anyone else. I will do what ever I can until I can't do anymore. I am a strong person, and when I'm needed I'll be there. I just pray for the strength to keep me going.

At least I know every summer when he goes manic I have a break for me, to do my nails, hair, toes, go to the beach, hiking and live.

Ha, Ha, you really have to have some humor to keep on going.

Write me if you need support or would just like to tell me how crazy I am for staying with this man I call my husband.

ME

Comment #1 Penny Levy (71.32.22.53) -

I would like to respond the the lady "ME"

We all have to "live" our own lives. I am a christian woman, who is also married to a man who is bipolar. I also took and do take my marriage vow very seriouly. I believe that the only way to make a difference in my husbands life is to pray for him. The wonderful thing about God is he gives us a choice. Your husband has a choice in which he could get help, he could be faithful, he could work a program. However, "he knows" no matter how he treats you, you will be there. That is not healthy that is no respect for yourself and God does not want his children to live that way. It is nice you bought your husband a vehicle, set him up low payments. I look I at the flip side of things....I sense a one up superiority,"i have to take care of everything" I treat him so well and look what happens' I end up paying any way. I personally think when we "take over" set things up, we treat our spouse like they are a deliquent child. Which in turn would send a message that they are too stupid or irresponsiable to do it for themselves. Would set up for feeling of emesculate, and you want him to be dependent on you. It back fires. It is all about control. Your husband is an adult, treat him as one. You are not his SAVIOR. God has a plan for his life. God also gives us free will. The Holy spirit nudges, gently knocks at his heart. Jesus is a gentelman, he will not enter uninvited. Get out of the way take care of you get healthy, be happy, find your joy. The biggest mistake I made in the beginning of this illness, was pity, fear. Respect breeds respect! If you do not set up boundaries, the cycle continues. I will ride a roller coaster of life ups and downs, i will not ride a merry go round. Get off of the merry go round, "really really trust God" He loves you he loves your husband. Jump off of the cliff to the unknown way of doing things. I will gurantee, you will have scrapes and bruises of life, and your heart will hurt, if you really believe and trust in God give up control...he will catch you and you will be ok. Let your husband "learn" give him respect to live his own life. You are not his keeper. Sometimes if we are always there we are the ones in the way of them getting healthy. Most people grow thru pain. Good luck and God bless In his hands

Comment #2 Jon from AZ -

To "ME"

I got down on my knees and submitted in humility and asked for our Lord and Savior to give you strenghth and wisdom in dealing with your broken heart. I am going through the same heartbreak as we speak.

I knew that marriage was impossible for me and my beautiful woman for she has been taking me on the bipolar merry-go-round for 6 years off and on. Every couple of years "something" would set her manic and she would flee to her comfort zone in, Maine.

She has done this twice in 6 years. Although I knew what bipolar was I really began investigating and talking to people that had been involved with this illness. The stories are generally the same. All symptoms rear thier ugly head.

The grandois visions of the future.

The spending.

The addictions, etc.

The one symptom that I refused to come to terms with, the sexual romantic sprees, turned out to be true as well. On her first manic trip to Maine, then to Arizona, I never asked her if she had been with another man ( ask no questions, I will tell you no lies), this time, I know she has; broke my heart!

God will take your hand and lead you through this.

Let him go! Walk away no matter how much it hurts! You've given all you can.

Comment #3 kite from germany -

iam really impressed on what you are doing.upon reading your story, you really brought me up rather encouraged me.

my boy friend is schizophrenic and its so hard for me to understand him.i always do my best to help him at least to learn to love himself and on the other hand, he abuses drugs yet hes got no money.he cannot even afford to pay the bills and buying himself a cigarette is another big problem.

i always want to quit but on the other hand i always think that no one wants to be sick

secondly, may be God wanted to teach me something or give me a responsibility to pray for him and may be its a temptation or my faith is been tasted.

anyway, we are the ones to bring change and what we all need is encourage them to see their doctors frequently, be friendly to them.lets perservere.

as for me have seen him change a little bit.have thought him to have self esteem and hes already having a sense of belonging.

am happy to learn from you to stay strong

kite

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