Five months ago my Husband of 5 years told me that he was leaving me for "the love of his life". This is a woman from the past who he was engaged to, this woman cheated on him, and belittled him. He said he has been talking to her and that she felt the same about him. She was engaged and was breaking off the engagement. Four months prior to this, my husband blew up at me over my concerns about him having overdraft charges. His anger esclated to the point that he asked me for a divorce. I was crushed. The next day, he changed his mind and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, God's gift to him, he loved me dearly and wanted this relationship to work. He said he "Snapped". He would get anger management counseling.
My husband very excited, asked me to let him go. His behavior was confusing. He moved out and at given times in the middle of the night, he would show up. He became very hypersexual. Wanting sex all the time. This was not normal for him. He also started seeing this other woman and they began their affair. He started spending lots of money that he could not account for.
Some background about him. He was an abused child in a family where his mother was a rager. His father was an alcoholic and divorced when my husband was 10. My husband learned to cope with the abuse in the home by going into his room and drawing. Art became his world, his escape from the abuse.
When he left this time, he said he needed time alone to paint. He had urges to paint and could not in our house. This has happened in the past where he would get depressed and then suddenly he would have this urge to paint. The need to paint I understood.
I dont understand the affair because he had been cheated on by every other woman that he has been with. We discussed multiple times the hurt that it caused him and I was always careful not to ever give him a reason to mistrust me in that area. He felt the same way. So how does he change like this?
I was concerned about his behavior and started doing some research. I read several books on BPD and encouraged him to go see the Psychiatrist that Dx him with ADHD and talk to him. He agreed and saw the DR. In the Dr's office he filled out a form on mania and checked "yes" to everything. On the depression form he checked "yes" to almost everything. The Dr. diagnosed him with BPD, ADHD, and anxiety. Prescribed him with Depakote. Told him a little about BPD, said he should get counseling. It was somewhat of a relief hearing this news. My husband was upset.
Well, that was 3 months ago and still my husband is not taking the Depakote and refused to admit he has any problem. He is continuing the path of divoricing me, however, he has not filed for divorce.
He seems so rational sometimes and other times he seems so irrational in his thinking. Not so much his behavior right now. But his thinking. So much does not make sense. So this confuses me as to how severe his BPD is. Will it get worse? What is the progression with this disease. I dont want a divorce. We have a business and home. Is there anything that I can do?
Hi Cathy, WOW! Have you had an enormous amount of change in the past few months! And you asked a lot of questions in your post that are probably better answered via email than in this venue, however, given the fact that this IS a bipolar discussion board, let me just say that for the 10 years I've been in the counseling business, the ratio of BPD clients who divorce and that of other clients is about 3 to 1.
I find it AMAZING however that it is almost always the Bipolar Disordered person filing for the divorce, when it is clearly the spouse that has taken the greatest amount of the abuse over the years. Yours has been a rough and rocky road...and, without medication and a network of support, your husband is likely to continue in these self destructive cycles...if you want things to change SOMEONE has got to do something different!
The hard part is that the non BPD person remembers the calm and "up" times shared amidst the chaos...that always makes letting go that much tougher.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers...there IS life after BPD, truly there is!
Blessings,
Paula