I am 23 years old. I have been depressed most of my life, spent a great deal of my childhood anorexic and attempted suicide when I was in high school. As an adult, I've had periods of normality but I feel they have become less and less frequent. Two years ago I met my now fiance. I tried to be honest with him right off the bat about my depression and that I believed it was going to be a life-long affliction before he got too involved. He said he understood and I believed him. We move a lot and I have seen a few different doctors but recently my doctor has diagnosed me bipolar and it seems to make so much more sense I wonder why no one had ever suggested it to me before. It makes so much sense, I am that person, and I'm trying to learn as much as I can about how to deal with it.Unfortunately, I no longer feel my fiance understands my mental illness, nor do I feel he has any sympathy for the pain it causes me. This could just be the disease talking, thinking he has no sympathy, but I am positive he does not understand. He thinks you can think positive thoughts and just ignore the mania and just relax. Like it's that simple.
I am on meds, but they're still in a period of adjustment. The closer we get to our wedding, however, the worse my episodes have become. There are a lot of external stresses in our lives other than the wedding, but I don't know what to think.
I fear every day that I won't be able to be a good wife. I also fear that I won't be able to have children. How selfish it would be of me to bring a child into the world who had to deal with that and who would be at risk for living their life with it as well? At this point, I don't trust myself to be able to handle those responsibilities, and knowing my track record I fear I never will. It breaks my heart.
Am I giving up on myself? Or am I just being realistic? I want to spend my life with him so badly, but I also don't want to knowingly bind him into a situation that's going to be painful for him for the rest of his life. Is it ok to say "I do" when you believe it's going to be for worse and not better? Then again, that's what the vows are all about. Then again it's not fair for me to ruin his life just because I want him in mine.
He gets very frustrated and shuts down when I have episodes. He detaches and I find that unhealthy. The more I share with him about my feelings and what is going on (which is extremely difficult, my mind races I can hardly pick one complete thought out of the air, and I feel the pressure to justify my feelings because sometimes I don't have a reason for being in an episode other than that's what I am and that's not an acceptable response), the more intimate details I give , the more I feel him recoil. Is he doing what he needs to do in order to keep me from being a toxic influence in his life? My idea of marriage is that you give yourself 100% to each other, but I feel like this "sharing/detachment" pattern is taking a huge part of our lives and separating them. If we can only give each other 80% because either he detaches or I stop sharing, is that denial or a useful strategy?
He hasn't left. He has no plans to leave, so my insecurities toward his commitment should be quelled. I should trust that.
I just want to know how to not f up other people's lives just because I have this problem, while still being intimate and honest with the person I love the most.
When I am with him, I feel like the truest version of myself and I love that. He is my best friend, but I'm so scared of ruining his life and mine too in the process. If he were to go, I don't know what I would do.
How do you make someone who doesn't have bipolar understand?
I myself have bi-polarish behavior at times, depression likes to rear its ugly head at times too, but less frequently depending on certain circumstances. What those are I'm clueless, I'm currently in a diff mind-set.. What was it that you felt was giving you that sense of normality? People always complain about side effects of the drugs that make them feel like they're dead, depression is enough, I don't need to feel like I'm a zombie x 2. If there is something that gives you that sense of happiness try not to let it ruin your morals i.e.. BD&SM..unless you're into that..and it never effected those morals anyways. I personally have been working out again. I've figured out what leads my mind to its depressive state & so I try to steer away from it.. Mine is gaming, I've been a gamer for the past 13 years, I use the metaphor "Social Butterfly who never escapes his pupa stage" all I thought of was how the world was moving without me..and these millions of others ;P and how many suffer from depression? Anyways, I recalled how exercise gave me a peaceful feeling, the crazy-ass thoughts weren't making their way into my head. As far as your bf/fiancee.. you seem like a smart girl who should know this answer, he's never experienced the emotion right? So he can't relate to the pain.. I've never experienced cancer.. so I can't relate..etc.. If you're looking for more sympathy from him, keep addressing the matter of your affliction! Mwahaha J/k.. people with problems don't like labels..my point of view, if he's still not taking your feelings into consideration, I'd look and see what other feelings of yours/re-affirm his ideals and you should re-consider this person with whom you're about to marry. There are a lot of sensitive people such as myself who can relate to your feelings, have "been there" and are gf-less, I'm poor too so that's the down-side =(, but I work hard.
So lets sift through all that garbage I just wrote, and look at the important stuff to you- Find what makes you happy.. try exercising, if exercising doesn't work, try something else until you find it. re-affirm your bf's feelings for your state of mind "crazy ;p" J/K. If he still doesn't care.. relationship counseling.. look at his other behaviors towards you. If they aren't of a moderate-high love-related standard, reconsider marriage/relationship.. and if all of that fails.. I'd suggest never coming back to a self-help site where every normal joe can post their opinions..
Stay safe and travel Well (Angela), <-- that's usually what us RP geeks from MMO's say.
You can't contact me at that e-mail even if it is helpful info to you, giving out my real indetity wouldn't be cool.. I'm the real Superman Baby!... ahh yeah, self-help books relating to your possible bi-polar behavior.. with helpful tips/suggestions that have helped others if you still have yet to read up on any.
Where is Hugh Lorey when you need that bastard ;lP.