'Relationships with Bi-Polar people'

Susan (65.203.69.58) -

I am currently in a relationship with a person who has bi-polar disorder. In the year that I have known this person I have seen his mood changes and he even ended up in a mental hospital about 2 months ago. After he left the hospital, against doctors orders, He went on a shopping spree and spent about 8,000 in a period of about 4 days. He has switched jobs about 4 times in the past 8 months. I really care for this person and when his bi-polar diorder is under control he is so creaitve, passionate, open-minded. At other times he thinks he is on top of the world and no one can prove them wrong. How serious is this illness and can people with bi-polar disorder maintain a job, and a relationship?

Comment #1 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Susan,

Bi-polar disorder is very treatable and a person can carry on a normal life with this illness as long as they take their medication. That is the major problem, during a manic cycle the bi-polar patient feels extremely well and often stops taking the medication and gets worse.

It is one of many reasons I became a psychologist, I have been a Bi-polar patient for over 20 years and carried out a full time practice as minister and psychologist. So get your man into a psychiatrist for an examination and encourage him in taking his meds. If he refuses to go or take his meds, you have two choices: 1) stay with him and deal with the roller coaster life-style or 2) leave him. If children are involved I recommend choice #2.

Dr. Doug

Comment #2 Kelly (152.160.137.10) -

Dr. Doug,

My husband was diagnosed as bi-polar and we lost him 4 and 1/2 years ago to suicide. My son is now 17 and after years of a close relationship, I have seen a drop in his grades and loss of interest in school. He has become defiant and at this time has left home. This is a young man I have never before encountered. His dream is to join the Marines as his father before him. My concern is how genetically disposed is he to bi-polar disorder and will this effect a military career? My son is a brilliant young man, but all of a sudden he is making some very strange and very disappointing decisions. How can I help him?

He asked me a couple of weeks ago "How much like Dad am I?" I answered without thinking...You look like him and sometimes you act like him, but you are your own person, an individual and unique. Could I have missed a cry for help?

Comment #3 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Kelly,

Welcome to my site. I know of no genetic predisposition for bi-polar disorder-you can't "catch" it not pass it on. However, it is not unusual to see the same mental illness more often in some families than in others. Most people with Bi-polar disorder are very intellegent and can lead very successful lives as long as they stay on their medication and usually in psychotherapy or counseling with a trained professional.

What you have described is the grieving processes your son is going through after the death of his father. I recommend that you get him into see a profesional so he can be tested and he can and should be treated for whatever the problem is. Bi-polar disorder is serious but unless it is proven he has it, I don't know any reason why it would prevent his service. You already know how serious it can be so having a mental health evaluation is a good idea-probably for both of you.

Warmest Regards,

Dr. Doug

Comment #4 Galen (63.227.127.7) -

To All;

My heart pours out to all who have this bi polar disorder, and my heart pours out to all who love and cherish someone with this disorder.

I am a white male, 45 years of age and I am not bi polar. And I really knew nothing about this disorder until about 4 years ago.

I fell in love with this beautiful, endearing, loving woman. And so did she with me. At first she hid her illness and as time went by the ups and downs, the irrational thinking, and her insecurities seemed odd. Into the 2nd year of our relationship she finally told me all about her illness. She is also dual diagnosed as a drug addict. Recovering therapy 2nd or 3rd time.

When Dr. Doug talks about a rollar coaster ride in life, he is right. I couldn't believe the most beautiful creature in the world I wanted to give my heart and my life to has this horrible illness.

Everyday, became seemed to be more of a struggle for us as time went on. I was so frustated because I wanted to just try and fix things. And I couldn't. I felt so helpless. The physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, jealousy, insecurities, all became to much. After time the majority of them seemed to stop, yet they always seemed to pop out. Out of nowhere!!

I know she is trying everyday, and keeping up on her meds. A month ago we broke the relationship. She can't do it. Again, I feel so helpless. Yet, it is everyday reality for someone who has this illness. And I now it is a reality for me.

I will never forget and I am not saying it is not possible to have a long term relationship with a diagnosed bi polar. There are so many circumstances to each relationship.

I just wanted to share this with you because I understand and care about "MY LOVE" and others like myself that have experienced this or are going through the same thing.

Thank you for listening,

God Bless

Galen

Comment #5 Mary (67.168.116.210) -

I'm very concerned that my 16 yr old daughter may be bi-polar. She has always had outburst and been violent towards me. Now that she is older she does not seem to care whos around or what they see. She can be fine one minute and then freaking out the next. And she never seems to remember the stuff she does.I would like to get her help. but, not sure how to go about it. I have been told by several people I should get her checked.

Comment #6 Carl Brown (66.94.94.154) -

I have been dating a woman for 9 months and have seen her go through varying stages of highs and lows. All the signs of bipolar are present, irrational thinking, extreme insecurity, racing thoughts, spending sprees, impulsivity, sexual acts with strangers, and then the low points, you get the point. Well I finally felt confident in speaking to her about this. When I talked to her our evening had been wonderful. I spoke to her in a very calm and reassuring voice, being very empathic but her response was varied. She went from crying to denial, to I'll show you that you are wrong. I'm not crazy, I will get assessed and you will see, to literally breaking up with me the next day. We have since talked but she was extremely hurt that I said such horrible things to her. After a couple days she actually forgave me for the harsh things I said. Go figure, I feel like that was her reality yetI told her thank you for forgiving me. Right now she wants to be friends but still loves me and has a desire to spend time with me. Where do I go from here? Give her space, of course I will continue to support her even outside of our relationship. Continue to communicate as I read that Bipolars need assurance all the time. She sometimes says things to see my reaction. Is she playing games, does she feel undeserving etc.

Comment #7 penny Levy (71.32.22.53) -

I am married to an Internal Medicine Physician, We were married Nov. of 2000. My husband is is 55 years old, he was diagnoised bipolar in 2002. His father, brother, grandfather on his mothers side and uncle all died of sucide. In 2002, my husband was manic, then went into a depression I had to feed him bathe totally be at his side. Then in the next moment I am accused of having affairs. He was off of work for a year, then got on with IHS after a year his mania was mistaken for being producative he was made medical director of the facility. Within weeks he was put on administrative leave, now he is working in a remote area. He filed for a divorce in 2003, he hires attorneys and then never contacts them again, they withdraw from the case. He never would do all the paper work and never show up for court. Finally, this last attorney he hired, we did go to court, his bipolar disorder was brought out, the illogical thinking, money difficulties, the fact we had never seperated. The judge still has not ruled. I finally a year ago, left my husband stayed with relatives, for a few months just to get my head on straight. To set healthy boundaries with my husband has been impossiable. If you disagree, he writes you off and you are dead to him. No feeling. He has not spoken to his daughter for years and probably will never see her again.

I can see and feel his pain. I drove away from the house he stays on the reservation in May, I have not seen or talked to him since. He kissed me told me he loved me. I know he will never contact me. I have made the decision, if he does not take his medication as directed, and refuses any kind of counselling, I cannot just "be" ther for him, check out of life and quietly be at his side. If I continued to not live life and walk on egg shells, walk quietly behind him and clean up all the messes, then I would be just as sick as him. I will leave the door open, however I will work and live life.

When someone believes something so stronly that they can see it in their mind, would counselling help, or is just the way it is?

Comment #8 penny levy (71.32.22.53) -

Dear Dr. Doug:

I am married to a doctor who is also bipolar. He lost his practice. He then went to work for IHS was put on administrative leave during mania is now working in a remote are in Montana, on a reservation. I have two questions first of all there was a period of time in 2002 that my husband was physcotic delusional, there were times he drove done a busy street in the wrong lane and then there were weeks he did not get out of bed, to be standing in a room rocking back and forth hitting his head on the wall. (i believe that was the medication) during that time in my husbands mind he see me vividly having affairs, even though i was at his side every minute. If he took his medication properly and did received therapy would it help and how much. Will this ever come to pass? (his own physcriatist comitted suicide 11-25-05) that was not helpful. History: my husbands father, brother suicided. His grandfather on his mothers side suicided and also his uncle. What i experience with my husband is, he accuses me of the very things that he does. Very secretative, awful with money, not trustworthy. I have removed myself from the situation, I believe these are "his" issues it is not my place to convince him that i am faithful. He is currently on the reservation, and I live in our home in another town. In all of my husbands relationship, if you do not contact him, he will not contact you, i have not spoken to him since 5-14-06, his daughter and anyone who was ever close to him are all "dead" to him. If a person quits trying to measure up to him he just writes them off.

His future is bleak. "Could things turn around with counselling" pl

Comment #9 Joanna (69.159.50.146) -

Hello,

thanks for sharing your stories - it's difficult to read, but so reassuring to know I am not alone; My husband has bipolar and I am having a very diffult time coping with his moods. He is on medication, but not well-controlled; he has been without a job for several months and I am so tired of doing everything. My daughter is a happy little girl - I hide a lot from her because I want to preserve her emotional state and ensure she is brought up well and loved dearly. I on the otherhand, try hard to keep things going, but am realizing this is not the future I wish to continue with. I know love and destiny is cherished in a marriage, but one also needs to care for oneself and recognize there is more out there than the daily challenge of living with a bipolar. My advice, although for some may seem selfish is to end a relationship with a bipolar if you are constantly battling daily challenges - regardless of whether this illness is treatable, there are many factors that contribute to success, but just as many other factors contribute to failure. I want to take pride in loving life and enjoying it to the fullest with my daughter....not living the unpredictable and enduring the daily challenges - life is too short. Good luck to all of you

Comment #10 Marcitta from New Jersey, Unhappy -

Dr.Doug,

I would like to start off by saying thank you for creating this website. I am a 19 year old college student who is dealing with bi-polar disorder without medication. I am a very unhappy person. I made a big step from about 2 years ago when I was attempting suicide, throwing and breaking things, and hitting boyfriends with whom I was in relationships with. I have brief, turbulent relationships and most of my partners do not understand what is wrong with me so they pack up and leave me. Most of the day I spent writing books on love and how I want my love life to be but then I find myself getting upset and crying when I realize that my love life is the pits. My relationship with my family is not a very good one because I isolate myself from them and they always pick on me. Even the little ones. For the past 6 months or so I calmed down just a bit. I haven't attempted or hardly thought of suicide but if I get sexually intimate with someone I automatically think that I've fallen in love with them and the relationship goes downhill from there. I know that I can make it through this without being on medication because I've made slow progress. But I just need to go to some kind of support group so i'll know that I am not alone. I feel alone all the time. I cry because I feel like my world is coming to an end. I find myself lying and making up things just to get people to feel bad for me. I really need someone's help. I am going to school to become a psychiatrist but how can I understand someone if I don't understand myself? I will check it every morning. Dr. Doug please help me so I don't destroy my life at an early stage. Before I go there's one more thing I forgot to mention, I have abused acohol since the age of 16 and I have a tabacco addiction...A heavy one. I smoke at least one pack of newports a day. I just want to know what can I do because right now I have no health insurance to see anyone. Please doctor help me. This is a cry for help.

Comment #11 Joseph Vulich (24.29.9.90) -

I recently locked myself in a hotel rm. wanting to kill myself.

I just got a new job, and they're starting to realize i have a bad stress factor, "bi-polar", I have alot of financial issues, as well as other things, Is going to a depression chat rm. helping me? I feel worthless, but really brilliant at the same time...artist, musician, poet, and a very out-goin' person!!

I miss my wife, and son!! "tears", TY, Dr.

Comment #12 Natalie from Seattle -

Hi,

For 3 years I was involved with a man diagnosed with a rare kind of bipolar disorder. His moods could change very quickly and he could become violent with no provocation. Out of the blue he would start stomping around the house cursing, screaming and throwing things. We had a child together two years ago. On more than one occasion his violent outburst put the childs safety at risk. Sometimes his rage was directed at the child and he would verbally assault her. I finally had to get a restraining order against him. The judge ruled against giving him any visitation rights given the circumstances. He is currently trying to appeal the judges decision. I wonder if I am being too harsh not allowing him to see his child. I can't get over the images of those moments of violence and his complete disregard for our childs well being. He went to a mental health clinic and was given medication. He refused to take his medication as prescribed and took five times the prescribed dose. He started trading meds with a friend also recieving treatment at mental health. His violence became so intense it terrified me. I find myself in an impossible position. I cared deeply for this man but at the same time feel the well being of my child must come first.

Comment #13 GloriaC from New York -

Hi my name is Gloria and my mother has been diagnosed Bi- polor manic depressive for over 20 years bow. She has had numerous mental breakdowns. My father gave up his career and schooling in order to take care of her and us kids. I guess I could say it has been hell but understanding it has made it easer to cope with it. It's definantly a journey but a worthwile one! To all those who have loved ones who have been recently diagnosed hang in there it takes time but with medication and theripy the ilness can be more manageble for everyone involved. My hope and prayers goes out to all of you!

Comment #14 Bee (76.208.158.129) -

Hi Doctor,

It is my first time to visit your website. I marriage with a guy that have mood change very often and kind of introvert personality. About last year, we got married and we were a very happy married couple. Then two months after that my husband told me that he was not ready to be marriage. He was depressed a lot, mood change all the time, up set, sad, ...etc Until one day, he took out to see other woman in Thailabd. He told me that marriage is like a cage and he can not be himself or have a freedom. He told me that he was himself when he met someone else, not his family. Then after that he broke up with that girl, return to me and told me that he was happy in our marriage and want to be a better husband. He does improve over time, happy and working hard for family. Three weeks ago, he met someone else and having an affair in our marriage again for the same reasons that he was happy with her.

I need your opinion about my husband. Is he bi polar disorder? and in which stage? I decided to walk away from his life because what he had done, it is too much. But I was concern about him because he is going to Iraq in 3 months. If he is bi polar disorder, I am afraid that he might do something unexpect over there.

Thank you veyr much.

Comment #15 Dan Banker (75.69.99.241) -

I'm 21 and I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 16. It feels more like a disease, but anyway i've been taking my meds for about 5 years straight and my life seems more stable, but sadly i know my life will never be normal no matter how often dr's and people tell me. I just have to take things one step at a time. The only problem is I really can't be myself around others because I seem over the top, like happy go lucky all the time. I don't know whether its because of my age or because of my illness, but it is really a drag when it comes to my personal life because i'm single and I have few to no friends.

Comment #16 Me (192.195.66.44) -

I am in a relationship with some one bipolar and let me tell you I am starting to despise this person. No matter what I do its not good enough. She use to be with people who used her, abused her and everything over the sun. Now all of a sudden she is with me she doesn't want me to have any friends, I can't get a phone call and she even has the nerves to say that I am cheating on her. I am 28yrs old and she is 22 about to be 23 in the next few days. I am a radio producer and I can't even take a ing phone call because she wants to know who it is. When i tell her who it is she still makes an issue out of it. She was with people who used drugs, drink, party...you name it they did it. Now since she is with me she doesn't have any friends and doesn't want me to have any. At one point she tried to say I was keeping her from meeting my friends and hiding something. So I introduced her to my friends and about a week or two later; the bitch had something to say about them. No matter what she always has something to say. I go out of my way for her and its not good enough. I get things free from my job such as tickets to concerts, movies etc. If someone is coming to our home town concert wise, that she likes I get her the tickets or get tickets to advance movie screenings. She is not satisfied with me doing that. she makes light of me getting things free as if the thought, time and consideration doesn't mean a damn thing to her. I have always said I wanted a future with her but it is getting to the point I don't see a future with her. I am trying to better myself and do things that can not only help me but us and all she does is come up with insane bull things to argue about. She will blow up about the smallest thing and run with it for days. Mean while I have to say hey call the people at the university so you can register for college. When i first started dating her she said no one will help her with college. I not only paid for two semsters of college and her books but I recently got her into a program that will pay for her whole four years in college. I have to tell her to call her cousonler and register for school or make a doctors appointment or the million other thats that have importance. She can never do anything that is positive. When it comes to doing something that is benificial and positive she can't and won't do it. She will make every excuse in the world. Yet when it comes to blowing up about something that isn't even worth it, she is good to go. I honestly can say doctors are not doing her any good and its not them its her. She never tells the docotr whats wrong or take the medication he perscribes her and its like how can you be helped if you don't help yourself. I can also say I ing hate her family because they allow her to be this way. They cater to her and walk around on eggshells around her. They never say look get help or get out...Instead they sit there and say well she is just being her and they go back to there semi charmed lives. Bull ! This is what I mean, a few weeks ago her mother cooked dinner and told us to come down stairs and eat. We go down there and her mother is a nurse and makes a joke about getting a skimmpy nurse outfit..Her mom laughed, i laughed and she was all frowned up. Her mom keeps joking and i laughed because it wasn't funny but because I was uncomfortable. After dinner we go up stairs she blows up at me over something her mom said. Then told me to leave and don't come back. I leave and her mom said why am I leaving and I told her what happened. Her mom said I am sorry I will take you home because I feel it is my fault. Her mom went back in the house to get her keys and my girlfriend told her mom no and mind your damn business. Her mom came back out and said she told me not to take you home. I am looking like no one around thinks something is wrong with that whole thing. They cater to that . I am sick of all of them and my girlfriend has her good moments but you know what they are far and few. I am just sick of the bull. I am trying to move forward and she is just flat line and content with no growth. Mean while trying to sabotage me and everything I am trying to do. I know that this is not going to get any better. Its going to get worse, because she doesn't help her-self nor does her family help her or even intervene in the sense to force her to get help. I can't spend the next 40 years of my life wondering what in the hell will she think if i do this or what will she think if i have a friend. Its funny she is so against now having friends and me having them but she wants to go away to college. I told her, I said wow it sure will be hard down there since you don't like people. She said yeah I know. I said you are going to need a friend. She said yeah you are right, I know i will make friends down there. Mind you she is against having friends. How insane is that? It makes no sense. I can't understand this logic nor am i going to try to...But I want to do know is this normal behavior with these type of people? and how can anyone deal with this?

Comment #17 Dee in Idaho (76.27.32.213) -

I have been married for 28 years to a man with bi-polar disorder. I did not know this when I met, married him. He seemed upbeat, smart, outgoing, confident. But he seemed to jump from one thing to the next. When he was 35 he had his first episodes to where he was hospitalized for a total of 9 days. This was because he had become delusional and the drs. told me it was bi polar. I did not know what this was. I had 3 kids and one on the way. I just know he sulked alot, got angry over things when they did not go his way and he held grudges, esp. against me, constantly.

AFter he exited the hospital, he was was on meds for awhile but because he said they made him feel weird, he was off them in 3 months.

He has never lost his job which he has had with a church organiziation now for 28 years, but he has had alot of patience shown to him there, I know.

I had my tubes tied when our 4th was 4 years old becuase of his ongoing mental instability and it was making me nuts. He became incredibly angry at me for that and has belittled me for 13 years straight--saying I was no good now that I could not have any more kids.

Recently, for medical reasons, I had a hysterectomy and kept it from him. He found out and the hostility has increased to where I do not think I can live with him any more. This duress has really affected our now young adults kids and their relationships as he treats me like a live in housekeeper, always justifying his coldness (we have not had sex in 9 years)due to my "unworthiness".

He can be wonderful, but now he is extremely secretive, spends agreat deal of money, has taken my name off everything. Neighbors think he is great! 2 faced. Charming outside home, angry, moody, withdrawn, opinionated, denigrating to me. He is pretty upbeat with our kids, but they know how he treats me. They are so loving to me, but I stay nuetral and never denegrate their dad. He denegrates me openly to them, if the opportunity arises. Again, all of this because, he says, I cannot bear any more childrren. I am now in my mid 50's.

Comment #18 margarita garcia (68.198.236.73) -

I can't believe I am reading all this ! I've lived all of this and more ! I started dating a 43 yr old bipolar man. The relationship lasted 4 months. A terrible one may I add. He would call me every demeaning word in the book, assaulted me, harrassed me, has stolen practically every valuable I've ever carried in my purse. His paranoia and insecurities were waaaay out of line. He would always think I was cheating on him or slandering him with my family and friends. Everytime he decided to go drinking I knew I was in for a major flip. Many times he'd lose it and start driving at over 90 miles an hour on an inroad. While driving, he even hit an innocent pedestrian ... throwing him approximately 30-40 feet in the air. As I screamed and kept explaining to him what he had done, all he could say was: "stop exaggerating... the dude is ok." I really knew I was dealing with some souless person. He had no regard for his life or anybody else's. Every encounter he had with the police, he'd want me to lie for him and always have the blame put on someone else to clear himself. He would threaten that if I didn't do so he would have "his brothers" (all of which are cops) to bring up false charges on me. Every time he was faced with some problem that brought in police attention, he'd immediately tell the cops about his brother's being cops and they'd either give him a warning or let him go. He even got to the point of saying that he was a retired police officer at the same precinct where 2 of his brother's worked. After investigating this through the internal affairs unit, I found out that only 2 of his brother's were cops there and they had no knowledge of that person I was inquiring about. Again, more lies. It's just so sickening how the law "protects" the "true victims." This is a man that's a danger to others. He refuses to take his medication and drinks alcohol (while driving may i add) and yet the police cannot pick up on any of this even after the victims let them know "the real deal." Our officials need to become more aware of this illness as it not only puts them at risk... it puts all of humanity at risk. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Comment #19 jennifer (66.31.168.85) -

How can I seriously suggest a doctor/medication to my boyfriend. Whenever I bring it up he litterally gets so angry and ignores me. He is soooo bi polar. I see the change right in him--although he has more of the up lifting craziness then the depression for sure. He thinks he is all that, and that I am doing everything wrong... Accusation after accusation. Let me add, I am working 40 hours a week full time and just picked up a secound job 5 nights a week (I am cheating, flirting, sneaking around doing things he dont know about) He doesnt have a job-collects ssi, does whatever he does all day, and Im doing something wrong?? He has also had drug/drinking problems in the past. Whenever I know that he even picks up one beer, I cant be around. I dont know what the night is going to have in store... Its like a totally different person. Its been almost 2 years since we have been back together, Ive known him for 20, we dated as teens. Im sooo at a loss with this relationship.. I never know what to expect and why.....and I feel totally stuck.. If I ever left him (ive been his savior from drugs/crime, etc) he would either be back in jail or dead. Seriously... I love him but Im also stuck.

Comment #20 Jennifer (65.206.119.147) -

I have been in a relationship with a bipolar man for about 4 years now. It wasn't until about 2 years ago that I asked him to go to the doctor and he was diagnoised with bipolar. For years I have thought that his money problems, job losses, etc were just bad luck, but in reality 90% of it has to do with him being bipolar. One minute he is the most wonderful man in the world, my best friend, and so much more, but then there are those days or weeks when he is needy, knocks me, is jealous of myself and everything I do, talks a mile a minute and is very controlling and basically verbally abusive towards me. I have given him well over $20, 000.00 in the past year to help him with bills, car payments, vacations, etc, and yet he still makes me feel as if he doesn't owe me anything. I admit I do love him in many ways, but I know deep in my heart I need to break this relationship off for good. I feel for bipolar people, I know they did not ask to have this disorder, but even someone as strong as myself eventually gets broken down and it becomes a choice between your own mental sanity, personal life, financial well-being, or the bipolar person. The crazy thing is that bipolar relationships are hard to rid yourself of, I pray daily that I will have the strength to remove myself from someone that I love so dearly, and who I will miss from having in my life, and I hate that it has to be that way, but I don't think there are any other options, the rollercoast has to stop eventually and I don't want to be the one who gets shoved off.

Comment #21 melancholiyaMOE (74.107.225.150) -

im a bipolar male. and i dont know wat else to say really........

i bear witness there is no deity who deserves to be worshiped other than allah. heaven is forever. this life is temporary. lets us pray we enter paradise. god willing*

AMEEN.

Comment #22 Michonne (142.131.184.99) -

Reading these comments do give me an understanding what others think about a person that has Bipolar. Both my boyfriend and I have bipolar. Meeting him three years ago was the best thing that has happened to me. We have discussed about getting married in the future and having kids later down the road. We both are creative, outgoing, athletic, full of life with lots of energy and always staying busy. The only concerns we have in the future is when we plan the pregnancy. I was told by my doctor themedication will need to change. I have been on the same medicne for over 4 years. Not only my my kids have a chance to have biploar, but I am concerned about my mental stability when I do eventually become pregnant. By taking my medication, having a counselor during the pregnany and staying on a good diet, not overloading a busy schedule and getting enough rest should be just fine.

We both were diagnosed before we were 18. Both of us has had a history of drugs and alcohol, then later diagnosed at a young age. Having a relationship with someone who has bipolar is just as normal as any other relationship. There will always be ups and downs. Never will we blame the illness when we have problems, when we have our "off days". With God in the center of our relationship, trusting him and doing what is right by taking the medication.... everything we do is normal, just like any other ordinary couple EXCEPT we learn from each other and understand why we feel the way we do.... Sometimes we could be in a mania stage, feeling irritable, depressed, feeling angry or distracted, racing thoughts, insecurities, having anxiety or just not focusing, we understand how to encourage one another, we are both honest with our feelings and we are supportive because both of our parents do not have this illness. Feeling loved by someone who understands this illness and treating me just like anyone else is awesome. I have been taking the same medication for many years and feel great! If you do what is healthy for yourself, exercizing (I participate in half marathons and small 5K road races), a healthy diet, getting enough rest and living a balanced life, this illness can not take over you. In the past I did have a hard time getting adjusted to the medication when I was first diagnosed, just as any other teenager, they have there troubled times adjusting as well as speaking to different counselors. I gained 60 pounds and it took a couple years to finally get the perfect medication to keep me stable. During the first few years of being diagnosed, it was very hard to concentrate in school, waking up because the medicine was so strong, or trying to adjust to the different medince at that time. Eventually with many prayers from family, I am now doing well and loving life!

I am currently in school full time, working full time and going to school to become a personal trainer and massage therapist for sports medicine. Having this illness is just like someone having diabetes, to beware of the situations you put yourself in, as for a diabetic they watch there food, etc. and a person with bipolar has 3 month checks on there stablity, if the medication is helping them stay focused with a balanced lifestyle. So..having a relationship with someone that has bipolar is very loving, exciting, basically an adventure.

Comment #23 mel (169.241.28.75) -

I was involved with a man who was diagnosed as being bipolar for 4 years off and on. It was a roller coaster ride the entire 4 years. He would often ask me to marry him and we even got engaged a few years ago. Since then he has cheated numerous times, called me awful names and has verbally abused me in public, accused me of cheating. I finally told him this last time we were together that if he left again I was done. He left and asked if he could come back a few days later. Thank goodness I said no because now he's married to one of the women I caught him cheating with. He asked me and her to marry him on the same day, actually within minutes of each other. I cared for him, loved him, and did so much for him. He even asked me to co-sign for him to get a vehicle and get a cell phone for him and be the licensed driver on his insurance policy for his vehicle. Thank goodness I told him no because he is with someone else now. He told me a few weeks ago that he "felt he was making a mistake marrying her." He said she drinks too much and gets drunk a lot and that I was more mature and had more to show for my money. Duh. I don't go on spending sprees or spend a lot of money on alcohol. Anyway, I'm thankful to be off of his roller coaster ride and wish them both the best of luck. I know there are healthy men out there. I just hope he stays on his meds since I took him to the clinic to start on the meds the last time he was here. They said he also needed to attend anger management classes because he's also physically abusive. This other woman told me he's been abusive to her in many ways too and that she has feared being around him and has gone to stay with her mom when she's afraid to be around him. But now that he's on his meds I hope he will be a good husband to her and her a good wife to him.

Comment #24 maria (65.35.213.10) -

i have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man who i am sure has bipolar disorder. i don't have any doubts about this because i can recognize all the signs and behaviors of someone with this disorder being that my sister is bipolar. he also told me that towards the end of his marriage that a marriage counselor diagnosed him as bipolar and having anger management issues. he never sought help for these problems and his ex wife ended up cheating on him and took their son and left him for good after 9 years of marriage. he constantly criticizes me, yells uncontrollably at me, accuses me of cheating, is extremely paranoid, goes through bouts of depression the last week of every month, has a short fuse, ideas of grandiose, talks excessively about himself and work, is confrontational with customers of his, co workers, and employers, is unreliable, and when he is stressed out he drinks, naps, and isolates himself as a way to escape his inner turmoil.

he loves me and deep down inside is a good person. he will constantly throw me out of his house for no reason and if i don't leave as soon as he tells me to he starts throwing things and has anxiety attacks. i can't deal with being thrown out at all hours of the night, because it is unsafe for me to get in my car upset, tired, and drive in that condition. just a couple of days ago he woke up at 3:30 am and started demanding that i wake up, get dressed and go home, that i am no longer welcome over. he constantly breaks up with me, but after a week or so when his mania passes he is sweet, and would do anything in the world for me. this isn't the first time he has done this to me but in my mind it is the last. i can't take it anymore, can't talk to him, and know he will not get help. his behavior has put me at my breaking point and is literally taking the life out of me. i leave his house feeling horrible, and i have tried living with him 2x but as long as he stays this way i see my future with him a turbulent and scary. i love him dearly but know that it will never work if he doesn't seek help.

i am so confused and i know will miss him dearly if i leave his life for good.

any advice?

Comment #25 ashley (70.196.185.155) -

Wow. These stories have really touched me. My current boyfriend is Bi-Polar and I love him dearly. He is very emotional and requires a lot of love and attention. Sometimes it is hard because I have to give all the time. Even when I’m the one sad and hurting. I feel like I have to deny myself in order to make sure he is okay. That's only when he's manic. When he's okay, he's the best boyfriend in the world. He's smart, funny, loving, and he gives me every desire of my heart. The consent high and lows are very hard, however he can be violent too. If he's not throwing and banging things around; he's hitting me. Once he realizes what he's done he gets very depressed and wants to hurt himself. This is what I mean by denying myself. I have to forget about the domestic violence and worry about if he is going to hurt himself. Then the next day, he is the most loving and caring man in the world. I love him so much and I would hate to lose him or even worse have him lose himself. I fear that his life, career, and peace of mind will go down the drain if he doesn't get any help. I fear we could never have a future. We both want kids, but do I want my kids to see these episodes? He has been taking his medicine for a few weeks and so far he has been okay. We are supposed to be looking into counseling and other alternative. I just don't know if I can handle the mental, physically, and emotional abuse/roller coaster until then. I don't even know if he will continue with the meds, because he always has an excuse on why he shouldn't take them. I believe he is in denial. I know he's a good person and I know he loves me, but is all of this really worth it? Even if I do leave him, I could never live with knowing he hasn't gotten better. Whether we are together or not I really want him to get help. Dr. can you please help me to help him.

Comment #26 mia (81.155.191.195) -

My fiance is bipolar. We have known each other a few years and been in a relationship for the second time for nearly a year this time, and have for most of this time been living together. I just really wish I knew how to cope with his bipolar and could stop taking it so personally. He is perfect from the outset - he has a good job, he has big ideas and thrives on achievement so it isn't as if it hinders him in this respect - it is I think more a drain on me than it is on him at times. I used to have some issues when I was younger and we were together but in the three years we weren't together I pretty much got better and by the time we got back together again I was very good at coping with difficult aspects of my life and had good self-confidence. Since being back with him I am finding myself with less faith in myself and less belief in the things I do. He is a couple of years older than me and is very successful considering he never finished college. He has achieved a lot whereas I am still at university and a lot of the time I feel as though I should be doing bigger and better things with my life to be good enough to be with him. He even says he hates the fact that I am a student and wishes we could break up until I finish uni but that isn't possible because that way we would already have more "past" to add to the "pasts" we both have in between the times we have been together (seeing other people, experiences without each other etc). I have always been happy with the pace of my life and the way things turn out - I am not hugely ambitious I just want to be happy and successful to a degree that I deem to be acceptable for myself - but I don't feel as though he supports me in terms of my hopes and dreams etc, and is in fact quite selfish because all he ever thinks about is what makes him happy. This coupled with the fact that every so often he makes me hysterical because of his actions makes our relationship very rocky, and makes me feel constantly confused as to whether he wants to be with me or not. Every so often he says he wants to break up with me, and I never have the slightest clue that anything is even wrong. He uses the reason that he is not productive enough when I am around and I am basically stopping him from achieving things, amongst others, and generally ignores anything positive about our relationship. The other problem is that he hates being out in public as a rule - he gets a headache if he is around people for too long and then argues with me and is nasty to me - speaks to me as though he doesn't respect me and tries to make out that I am wrong in anything I suggest or say to try and soothe him. It is really hard. Just wondered if anyone else has this problem of being really drained by their other half's bipolar and if anyone has any suggestions as to what to do to cope, because I have no idea, and it is ruining me and probably our relationship. It makes me so emotional and I know this isn't helping him, but I just feel as though if I am as hard-faced as him when it comes to dealing with our relationship, we would just end when the fact is that we have a lot going for us. I love him and don't want to break up, but I can see that maybe it would be better for me if I didn't have to cope with his moods. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with this kind of bipolar person and in turn themselves when affected by them? Thanks.

Comment #27 BK (75.80.75.66) -

Let me start off by saying that I too can relate to a lot of your stories. I was once in love with a bipolar woman. I did every thing in my power to try and cope with, protect and comfort her, maybe to the point of enabling her mostly because I did not know a whole lot about bipolar. In the beginning she was a sweet and charming girl new to my state and the area in which I live. I found this very brave and courageous and I was attracted to her. Our relationship lasted for six months, three good three bad. The first three she was taking her medications, mood stabilizers and such. She was kind of spacey at times but a wonderful girl .The second three she decided she didn’t need to take them any more. It took about one, maybe two weeks and I didn’t even know who this girl was any more. Furthermore she started drinking alcohol. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. She has now become a train wreck, Delusional, Psychosis, Paranoia, I am supposedly the CIA agent she thinks is sent to kill her, go figure. She has long disowned her family and friends and lives off of Social Security Benefits. She goes about two three days and will call me to come over. I still have feelings for this girl but her outrageous actions are tearing me apart. I know the answer is MEDICATION, MEDICATION, MEDICATION

Comment #28 Lori from Michigan -

My son was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder 4 years ago. He is now 25. We have gone through so much with him. Back in May he was in a severe motorcycle accident and the doctors only gave him 3 days to live. With all the prayers Thank GOD he is still with us today.

Last week he went through a really bad violent episode and my husband had him arrested for domestic violence. He has been on his meds but they don't seem to be working as good as they were prior to the accident. The court ordered him to be re-evaluated and possibly hospitalized.

About a year ago he was charged with spousal abuse against his ex-fiance. The attorney didn't want to use his mental disorder because then it would have been on his permenant record. They have him on probation for a year and if he were to stay out of trouble the charges wouldn't have stayed on his record.

My son has been through alot this year and I am hoping that with the new evaluation and adjusting his medication he will be getting his life back on track.

I also want to say thank you for having this site...its helping me deal with my family situation seeing that I am not alone.

Thanks

Comment #29 Jon B (64.12.116.138) -

Hello, I am married 15 years to a Bi-Polar wife, who was diagnosed back in 2002 after a major surgery. I have to say the symptons of bi-polar became progressively worse over time(ie...irrational mood swings, self medication(booze), and embarrassing behavior). I have stayed in the relationship too long, her quitting of jobs, financial problems, neglecting of our two children and sleeping all day.

If you wanna survive do as I am, cutting her loose.

Comment #30 michelle (66.191.7.153) -

Ok, after reading this I feel doomed to walk the earth alone! I am a 36 year old woman diagnosed 2 years ago. Unfortunately, it was thanks to a dui and pending divorce counseling. I lost the man I loved more than my own life due to this illness. By the time I was on the right medication, he would have nothing to do with me. I cry every day because I so wish he could see me now. I am active, outgoing, secure with myself, and have relaxed about the little things that used to bother me. I believe we would have a completely different relationship now, but he says I have hurt him beyond repair. I was hopeful that someday I could have a normal, healthy, loving relationship. All I've read here is how bad someone like me is for a family. Does it never get good enough? Will I never get that life back again, only better?

Comment #31 jazzmin (172.162.171.168) -

I'm so glad to find this site and get some help. I have been dating a guy with bipolar disorder for about a year. He told me he was bipolar but I did not believe him at first because he was so charming and we always have a good time and we never argue, fuss, or fight but when he gets in his manic episodes, it is so painful.

He will just suddenly break up with me with no warning and he has done this twice since we have dated and the episodes usually last for about a month each. He tells me that he no longer wants a relationship with me and that he does not deserve me but yet he tells me he is so happy with me. Sometimes before the episodes really hit he will be very reclusive and we will go out and have a good time but he may end the date early or just wake up in the middle of the night and leave.

Later after the month is over he will call me and want to spend time together like nothing ever happened and we go back to being so happy but I fear that this is going to keep happening because he told me that he has done this in relationships before. He says that when he gets down he does not want to be around people and he just has to spend time getting himself together. He also can be hostile when he's manic and hang up on me and behave very arrogantly which is totally opposite of him other wise. My friends are no help and simply tell me that he is probably cheating on me during the months we are apart.

It puzzles me because he refuses to seek help and he hates taking any medication so he self medicates with alcohol and etc. I love him so much that I'm willing to be there with him through this but he says I will get tired of it soon. I love him dearly but I am so scared of how bad this may get. Do you have any suggestions for me and does this sound like bi-polar disorder?

Comment #32 someone (76.89.255.60) -

I dated my bipolar neighbor for a short period. I really liked him, but began to see that his behavior was erratic and unpredictable. First of all, when I first met him

he started telling me he was having some kind of emotional affair with a married coworker and that she was bugging him at work. When he told me that I told him that we shouldn't date while this was going on, then he convinced me that he didn't want to pass up an opportunity to get to know me, and that I seemed nice. I gave in,

and began to like spending time with him. We would end up spooning on his couch, and it seemed sweet an innocent. I really did like him, but was gaurded because of some of the things he was telling me. One night we made dinner at his place, and his friend came over and we all seemed to have a good time, then his friend left and he started grilling me about the fact that he thought I wasn't as interested in world events as I should be, then that he wondered if I was passionate about anything at all. I left feeling really bad about myself and very confused about having a good time, and then having it turn sour in such a short period of time. The incidents that lead to me finnaly having to say let's stay away from eachother just got worse. We were in the kitchen cooking and he got a new kitchen knife and he was playing around and ended up cutting my arm slightly, so it bleed, then when I got upset he cut his arm too, then tried to rub his arm against mine to be blood brothers. I pulled my arm away and told him that I didn't know him well enough to do that and that we're living in a time where people are dying of aids. He told me that I was rediculous. I left again upset and feeling like an idiot who worries too much about stuff. I started to get really depressed, and he told me that all of his friends thought I was depressed and that I obviously had a problem. I have struggled with depression and lonliness, but I have to say things got worse for me when I started hanging out with him. He also pushed me while rollerskating for the first time in a long time. I had such pain in my lower back I almost went to the doctor, but was told that even if my tailbone was broken I would just have to stay off of it and wait for it to heal. It was two months and a few chiropractor visits before I stopped having pain while leaning over a camera while working. He threw a frying pan at my livingroom wall. He called my little sweet dog a piece of and made him squeal once. He said that I was weak and didn't talk loud enough and that he needs a strong woman. He told me that I'm not hot.

The thing is that he has parties and seems to have a girlfriend now, and I'm shy and still alone. It's hard for me to walk to the garage and see someone's car in his extra space. I ran into them twice, and it was uncomfortable. I wonder if this was all really my problem. He seems to be with someone else, maybe I was too depressed and weak and not hot enough. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Also, he was on medication during all of this, and seems to function at work, although he does blow up at people a lot. If someone is on medication do they still have symptoms, or did I just bring this out in him?

If anyone has any advice for me, I'd appreciate it.

• bipolar relationships

Comment #33 someone (76.89.255.60) -

I forgot to mention that he once admitted himself into a hospital for depression and because he was suicidal after a breakup with a girlfriend. When he told me that in the beginning I knew nothing about bipolar, and didn't want to be judgemental about his past. I have had some depression, but I have also had a very hard life. I can also easily be joyful. I just get lonley and want to connect with people, but have learned not to based on my experiences with people. My childhood wasn't safe. Now I seem to be alone a lot, which is safe but kind of still and a little sad. That's it. Thanks for reading.

• bipolar relationships

Comment #34 tina (64.8.162.65) - Wed Feb 13 12:33:15 2008

my sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. she is very hard to live with. she has been in and out of state hospitals, foster homes, and treatment centers since she was 9 years old. right now she feels like she is all alone and nobody cares. i think foster care is a great thing (i have been in foster care for three years because of an abusive step dad) but when a child can't connect with anybody and feels like nobody cares, how far can she go? she has rapid mood swings and when shes low, shes low. she is not that easy to live with but now she is losing hope on ever having somebody to stick with her because soo many foster homes have given up on her.

Comment #35 alsdjlf (67.160.26.121) - Mon Mar 3 07:42:10 2008

I am bipolar and I am not ashamed of it. It's really like, like 4:30 am and I don't want to sleep. lalalala.

I don't like the mood swings. They are annoying. I like being happy. I don't like being sad.

It's fun to be manic. hahaha

I laugh at lots of things. I think about lots of things. I like talking.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Bipolar people just usually overanalyse everything. The best thing to do is just to let them be free to do whatever. Respect them, and don't put them in a cage. Believe me, I know. Then they will be more happy. Think about it! All of the "sexual permisquity" is probably stemmed from a lack of "freedom." This is what I believe.

So I advise to just treat them with respect, and freedom.

Comment #36 Rhonda from California - Sat Apr 19 20:01:45 2008

I wish I would have found this place before, but ole well I didn't. I have been married 13 years to a man who was only diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder a few years ago, but I know now that he had it all his life. His mother told me of incidences that he had as a child. I have never had to ride such a rollercoaster ride. Three years ago, I left my husband it came down to me or him and I chose me.I was depressed and sad all the time. He degraded me and put me down one minute and the next wanted to have sex or was nice to me.He thinks he has no problem, therefore refuses to take medication. He says that medication is for weak people. Well I tried in the time we were seperated to be understanding. I even was willing to handle his stepping out with other women..girls whichever he preferred to be with at the time. Bu he also wanted me to be with him to. And when I would get upset because he was seeing other women. He would just tell me that I left and he can do whatever he wants, which is true, but he can't have both. That's what I am saying. Anyway, all this has made me question everything about myself. He does nothing but tell me what a lousy wife I was and that I did nothing right. I always walked on eggshells. I loved him and wanted to stand by him, no matter the cost. I have never had someone be so mean to me in my life. I recently decided that enough was enough and this is not easy for me at all. So I am filing for divorce. Now that has made hm more angry at me and he is telling me he is oing to bring other women to my place of employment. I know this is just to hurt me. I really don't understand what I did. I have been acused of being with other men. he even made up this outlandish affair in his head that i supposedly had with a friend of mine. N truth to it what's so ever. But he belives it whole heartedly. once again I am depressed. I miss him very much and still love him very much, but I can't take the mental abuse anymore. It's killing my spirit. I guess I wanted to hear I did the right thing, but I feel I let him down. I know once I file fro divorce he will never speak to me again and that hurts me so bad. Anyway I am glad that i found this place. It helps to be here. Thanks for listening

Comment #37 Andrew (168.156.89.154) - Mon Apr 21 12:41:48 2008

I am happy to have found this site as well. I have been with a girl who is bipolar for about 6 months, and although it hurts, I have to do what is best for me. I know that feeling of letting her down, and feeling like if I really love her this is something that I can figure out how to get control of and simply need to be more understanding. But when it comes down to it, you need to do what is best for yourself. I want to be there for her, but I was a happier person before I meet her! If you can honestly say to yourself that you were a happier person before being taken on an emotional roller-coaster (that is extremely hard to detach yourself from)you need to do whats best for yourself! I can't go my whole life feeling like I have to tip-toe around, and be overly-conscious of every tiny thing I do. I try to tell myself to fight for her, and hope it will get better, but I just don't believe that is so. I have never ever clicked with a girl the way I do her, but I know that this disorder will pull me down to low in the long run. Is love worth depression? Because when your emotions are that attached to someone who is bipolar, you will become depressed!Hearing about how much every little day to day thing sucks so bad simply kills my spirits and I can't keep that in my life. I feel so terrible for bailing and I can't imagine how hard it would be to live with this disorder. But I still have the choice not to commit to living with this disorder and I need to pull out. Good luck and I have so much admiration for someone who's love is strong enough to pull them through this. But i care about myself more than a lifetime of servitude..

Comment #38 Tony (170.220.2.13) - Sat Apr 26 16:37:29 2008

Good lord, thanks for this sight. I have had a really rough time with a girl i loved very much... and now realizing that all of the hurt is from her being bi-polar. We met 2 years ago and the first 6 months blossomed into this fairy tale romance I thought i would never have. She loved me very much, said and did the nicest things anyone ever has to me in my life. After 6 months she started randomly stone walling me bith physically and emotionally. She would get really cold and neutral, then avoid me all together. But at the same time would be out drinking with male co-workers. One day she would be cooking me dinner and be real sweet, the next day she would be drinking with male co-workers and not answering my calls. It all made me hurt, uncomfortable, and suspicious. She would always convince me she wasn't cheating, and my discomfort with her attitude and actions was all in my head. It finally got to the point where I would go to find her at the bar with her male co-workers rubbing her leg, or sitting alone in a booth with their arm around her... and she still denied cheating. All of this really made me depressed and i had to do my best to walk away. She pleaded for me back for a while, but I always kept a safe distance.

Then last month I ran into her and a new boyfriend. After that she started calling and texting with the same intense love and flattery... and how this new guy meant nothing and only wanted me. I missed her and gave in, she then stone walled me and went back to him. It really opened up a lot of wounds I let heal over the last 6 months, and have been pretty shattered. I was never able to understand how someone could be so sweet, kind and loving, then turn and do such hurtful things without any remorse or regret. She does not want to admitt having a problem. But I have to make sure i don't give onto her charm once again only to get spit out and hurt. I feel like a fool, but when you love someone, and they become someone else... its hard.

Name:           
E-Mail:         

Optional (please add to our directory first)
Web Link:       
Link Title:     

Message:

Note: once you register your email address with Self Help Forum it is used across our whole network of forums and blogs. You can create seperate profiles for each forum or blog, but use the same login.