dear dr. doug,i was referred to this website, and am looking forward to get any solution or a hint to the best solution to the problem i have with my boyfriend.
well, first of all, my boyfreind is abusive. he exercises violence to stop me talking back to him. the other night, it was terrible. he pounched me at my jaws, mouth and head. he pulled my hair so hard. he kicked my feet so many times.
i got scars, and my face was swallen from his punch with the knuckle. i was so scared and screamed, but he said, "you are not scared, but pretending that you are. i will do something terrible to you before being sent to jail."
the next day, when i showed the scars to him, he said seriously, "do not blame me for the scars you got from pounching yourself."
well, another problem is that he might be gay. i mean, everybody thinks that he is gay, the way he talks and the way he walks. i happened to read the e-mails he exchanged with one guy, the other day. it was full of gay talks and i could not stand. i was trying to believe he is not, but it is impossible to do so now. when i mentioned about these e-mails, he said that "you told me you do not care even if i am gay."
one night when he was so drunk, he confessed that he was gay, and i burst into tears. he was so angry that i cannot accept him, but he never gives me the definate answer, i mean when he is not drunk, he would not say that he is gay, but does not deny it either.
he depends on me financially, and i am already broke now. i do not even have money to buy a toilet paper, and had to steal it from school. i felt so miserable, and told him how miserable my life is. but he said that his life is miserable because of me while my life is miserable because of myself. i have been asking him to leave my place, but he keeps coming back as it is a free place and he does not worry about foods.
i just do not know what to do. i know that i should call the police. my life has been so miserable and i just do not know if i can believe in other people any more. i keep crying everyday even when i am driving, i cannot help crying. i just want to believe in the strength in myself. i am not doing well academically as i cannot concentrate on my studies. i have only one semester to finish college, but may have to give up my education.
he never understands the point, and he always says that he has not done anything wrong. he says that i am the one who is inviting all the trouble, especially his violence. i do not think that is true, but whatever he says really hurt me even though i know that he cannot hurt me if i do not believe whatever he says. he said that i am trying to make him look bad, but i do not think so. he does not understand the problem, and that is why his life is miserable, but i do not want to go on like this.
i was wrong that i expected him to getter a little better, but the situations are getting worse and worse. i am not eating any food except rice, and i cannot afford to eat it three times a day, so i am eating food only once a day. he is spending all his scholarship money on drinking. he keeps lying to me saying that he has no money, so i had to spend a lot of money for him.
i am fully aware that i made the wrong choice. i spent all of my money and do not have enough money to do anything. i always worry about money. i do not know how to earn enough money for the rent coming up soon. i have two jobs but cannot earn enough money for my rent. i cannot support even myself, and how can i support him?
he one day asked me to kill him by giving me the knife. of course, i refused it. but i find myself hoping that he would disappear from this world at this moment. i do not like myself now as i have changed so much in a negative way. can i expect that my better days will come to me? i already gave up my dream of going to a graduate school.
can you give me advice, please?
Hi Loner, I am sorry to hear you're having to live through such misery. Been there, done that. OUCH!
I am a therapist and have dealt with these issues before...I always tell the abused party that once it turns physical, you have every right and NEED TO GET OUT! Obviously your boyfriend has extreme insecurity issues about his manhood...thinks slapping you around is the "manly" thing to do. My guess would be that he has either been in other abusive relationships or that he was abused as a child...neither is an excuse. Physical violence only brings about MORE violence.
Have you asked him to go with you to a counselor? Is he totally opposed to the idea? Does he seem sorry after he hits you?
Your answers will determine whether or not this relationship is at all salvagable...
Hope to hear from you...meanwhile, DO WHATEVER YOU MUST DO to BE SAFE!!!
Blessings,
Paula